Schwenksville, PA — Police today ended a reign of terror as they apprehended notorious crime lord “Feathers” McGinty, suspected of masterminding KFC and Chick-Fil-A robberies across five states.

I’ll have the “chicken surprise,” Anthea M.

I don’t get it. What does she do? What do you mean, she just sits in there all day? Can you tap the glass or something? She has an Artist’s Statement??? Because as far as I can tell, she’s neither an artist, nor does she make any kind of statement. You know what? Here’s my statement: You come to my house tomorrow and I’ll charge you $40 to watch me sit on the couch all day. How’s that?

Heavy on the tannins, Marco B.

Stefanie had been looking for it for months, so she was thrilled when she finally found her ring under the bed. Of course, her discovery made her realize that she should really clean more often.

Nice dust bunny, Stefanie H.

It happened so fast that he barely heard the massive snorf or felt the violent whoosh of air. But when he looked down, Paul realized that his entire forearm had been sucked up her trunk, and the look in her eyes said, “I don’t have to give it back, you know.” It was the first and last time Paul would play “I got your nose!” with Ellafante.

That’s a risky little game, Christoph G.

Starting right meow, we’re posting kittens whenever we like. We’re not waiting for special holidays or Caturdays to roll around. It’s meow or never Mother’s Day! Hurry up meow!

Not so funny meow is it Amy S.?

This is “Captain” Lance Monkeypants in CuteCopter One, and we’re getting reports of puppies attacking cars on the southbound I-812 at Bleen Street.  This is a multiple-puppy situation, very aggressive, and they are simply not letting any car get past them, so drivers are advised to use surface streets until further notice.

Now over to Ellie B. with the weather!

Avast there, ye sea dogs!  Just because I’ve only got one eye, ye’ve got no call ta be throwin’ me in the trash with the rest of the bilge water!  That’s all I can stands, I can’t stands no more!  (Now where did I put me spinach?)

Have you considered adding an eye patch and a parrot, Laura S.?